It has been a little while since I wrote something last, I'm still trying to think of what I want to write about. In the mean time I received an email this morning that I have included here.
For over five years now a friend of mine, who has taught middle school science for twenty-two years at my old school, has been struggling with cancer. I have had many emails forwarded to me over the years in which he gives updates on his medical status and his walk with God. So much of his emails is riddled with sadness, enough to break the heart, but along side of it he writes of his ever changing and ultimately growing walk with Christ. Never in my life have I seen such a strong, beautiful Christian story that is constantly contrasted with the pains of this world - constantly reminding me of the Peace that Passes Understanding.
"Dear Friends,
Please forgive me for not writing you for so long. After each doctor visit over the past year or so, I fully intended on giving you an update, but I just could not pen the words. I wanted to fade back into obscurity, become a normal person again. I was tired of being “that guy with cancer,” weary of hearing “you look good” knowing the phrase “for a guy with cancer” was implied. But “that guy with cancer” has new cancer news that I must tell you about, and so I’m writing to you.
Before I give you the bad news, I must put it into context. I must tell you a bit of God’s story for my life. I share my story with you to encourage you, but selfishly, I write these words to calm my own fears. I need to see Jesus walking on top of the tumultuous sea of my emotions and hear him call out, “It’s alright! I’m here. Don’t be afraid.” From a doctrinal point of view, I believe in God’s providential care in every detail of my life, but in my day to day faith, I don’t trust him. Writing down the details of His care for me strengthens my faith. I hope it bolsters your faith as well.
In the summer of 2005, I discovered a lump on my throat. Surgery revealed it to be the rarest form of thyroid cancer, literally a one in a million type of cancer. Outside of surgery, this cancer was terminal with a three year life expectancy. If it escaped my neck area, all treatment options vanished. An anxiety ridden two and half years followed this diagnosis along with two more surgeries. Slicing tumors from my throat, my surgeon tried to stay ahead of the cancer, but it had saturated my throat tissue.
Miracles followed me on this journey. Waiting for a crucial scan, I met an African man named Emmanuel (God with us), and seconds after meeting we clasped arms as brothers and prayed for each other’s healing. At one point, doctors were certain the cancer had migrated to my bones. While sitting in a hospital cafeteria waiting to complete my scans, God suddenly reassured me that my bones were cancer free. My anxiety left immediately replaced with an inexplicable calm. During these years, God gave me many small signs of his presence. Celtic history and lore is significant to me, and while running through the forest one day, I heard bagpipes. Following the music, I found the piper and asked him to play Amazing Grace. He filled the woods with that precious song just for me. We vacation each year in New England near nesting ospreys. After receiving some very bad news, I stood by my classroom window looking out over our school’s pond and spotted an osprey soaring over the water. In my twenty two years at the school, I never saw an osprey before or since. I wore the number eleven while playing college soccer, and my sons always choose eleven for their jerseys. We call it our family number, and it became a symbol to me of God’s care for my sons. I saw elevens everywhere during these years. During a radiation treatment, I had to live with my mother for a week because I could not be near children. On the first night, I slipped into a deep depression. I called my wife but could not even speak. She prayed for me. Her prayer opened my soul to God’s spirit, and the deepest imaginable peace came over me. I drifted to sleep and dreamed of heaven, of flying over a city of gold and sparkling waters and lofty towers. The moment I awoke, a friend called and offered further encouragement to me completing my spiritual healing. On January 1, 2008, while reading John 14-17 for my devotions, three verses seemed to light up on the pages like fire. A clear voice in my head commanded, “Call Judy.” Immediately, I called my wife’s friend, but getting her voice mail and not having a clue about what to say, I simply recited the three verses on her mail. She called hours later in tears. While enduring her own personal tragedy, her pastor had counseled her to read John 14-17 the night before, and she strongly felt God asking her to claim two verses as her own. They were two of the verses I left on her voice mail. While running through the forest another time, I felt God speaking to me, insisting that I speak in high school chapel. I resisted the message. I was a middle school teacher; I never spoke to high school. God persisted and I finally spoke in the last chapel of the year. I preached out of Romans 12 about God’s transforming power, and at the end, I invited students to come up on stage to pray with me. Fearing I would be suddenly very lonely, the entire chapel of students came to the stage, and for 40 minutes, 150 students gathered around me and prayed. Many times God’s Spirit moved with stunning power during my sermons at church and chapels at school. After one service, a Jewish lawyer sobbed uncontrollably as God’s Spirit washed over him and he received Christ as savior. These are the miracles I can bear witness to.
Then God’s providence manifested itself. On January 7, 2008, I received the news that two tumors were spotted in my lungs. There was nothing the doctors could do. Five months later, I had another throat surgery to remove more tumors, and the tumors in my lungs multiplied to five. Then I received an email from a friend who had embraced the charismatic movement. He told me to go to Florida to participate in a great healing phenomenon. Not being charismatic, I did not consider going, but God planted an irresistible command in my mind to call one of Gayle’s friends. I called, confessing my ignorance about why I was calling, and she replied, “I know why you are calling, Tim. God wants you to go to a healing service in Florida.” I discovered that this pastor was to be in North Carolina the week after school, and I drove down. During the service, I experienced nothing and was deeply disappointed, but a group of Christians adopted me for that evening and gathering around me to pray for my healing. When I returned home, we discovered a possible treatment option, a new experimental drug only found at my hospital. Had I been diagnosed just a couple years earlier or lived anywhere else in the world, the cancer would have taken me. But before starting the drug, I had to heal from my surgery, go through eight weeks of radiation treatment on my neck, and then heal from the radiation. Fearful of rampant tumor growth in my lungs, we were told five months later that there was no change in the lung tumors. God answered many prayers. I enrolled in an experimental drug program, and for two years, the tumors have remained dormant. As you may remember, the drug hammered me with horrible side effects, but in recent months, I have worked out hard to regain my weight and strength, and I am 98% symptom free.
Now for the bad news. Yesterday, I learned a new cancer, unresponsive to my drug, is growing in my lungs. Again God’s providential care steps into my life. A year ago, my doctor had no treatment options for this new cancer. Now, she has another drug that believes can work. Along with 15 other patients, I will start this new drug in two weeks. It has the same side effects as the old drug, which could make the end of my school year difficult. My boys (ages 8 and 10) have been so happy in recent months because dad is healthy and strong again. We now must tell them this news.
Many old fears crept out of the cellar of my soul last night, whispering lies to me. There is no God, they say. He is just a fairy tale. Or, there is a God but he has not chosen you. Your sin is too great, your soul unrepentant. Or, your God is a cruel God. He has set you and your family up these past months to be happy again, but now comes the ax. I covet your prayers. My soul knows that I am a cherished son of the King, the bearer of an invaluable spiritual inheritance, a man whose family is cared for by the almighty God, but my mind rebels against these truths clouding my emotions with fear and doubt. Like the disciples in the storm tossed boat, my faithlessness believes God will sink my soul with my savior aboard.
So that is my story and my news. I think I see God’s plan in all this. I have come to realize that I am a better man, a better Christian, with cancer than without it. I think this is why God spares me from death but does not heal me from this disease. Perhaps He wants me to share my utter helplessness with you because you feel the same way, or perhaps you don’t and should feel that way. I don’t know these answers, but I do know that He is speaking to me today, and He wants me to tell you this next chapter of my story. He also wants me to tell my students though this is the last thing I want to do today. In an hour, I will speak to grades 6-12 in chapel though I am not prepared to do so. Please pray.
Be strong and courageous.
Blessings"
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
denominations get a bad rap
Growing up I went to a reformed church, the Orthodox Presbyterian Church to be precise. You know those five point Calvinists? Yep, that's us. I also attended a Christian school K-12, a school that taught from the reformed faith "as contained in the Westminster Confession of Faith, the Heidelberg Catechism, and the Confession of Faith (Philadelphia Baptist Confession)". Being so inundated with the reformed faith both in school and church, it wasn't really until high school that I realized that my church's denomination wasn't the be all end all. In fact, there were many people in my school, definitely amazing Christians, who had very different beliefs on certain areas of the Bible from myself. Needless to say that realization only strengthened as I came to college… where I could only find one OPC church anywhere in the area as opposed to the slew of OPC churches back in Philly.
All this to say that I think many of us have reached a point in our lives when we realized that our home church's denomination wasn't the only one. And as we realized this, many of us have asked ourselves: What's the purpose of denominations? Are they Biblical? Well, guess what? I'm not going to give a concrete answer on that. I couldn't say yes or no with one hundred percent certainty. Instead I want to talk about the good I believe can come from denominations.
Before I do, however, I would like to say that it wasn't until I came to college that I started hearing people, whether it be my peers or older wiser people who study theology and the like, voicing their complaints with the idea of denominations. Every time it has boiled down to segregation of the church, turning Christians against Christians, and the like. To be honest, I don't disagree with them. The Christian body should be a whole, running the Race together, not apart. But I have also found that when such people do complain about denominations, they are intending their complaint to be against the idea of denominations as a whole, while in fact they are attacking specific instances and downfalls in denominations. I don't believe that denominations as a whole are innately bad.
So let's look at the theology side of things. Theology is a very deep subject, I believe infinitely deep, just as our Creator is. It is something we ought to be students of for our whole lives, "But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night" Psalm 1:2, "But be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" Romans 12:2. We all ought to be theologians to some degree. But with so many people and with a book as deep and profound as the Bible, there is bound to be many different interpretations of the Bible. Well, what happens when all of these interpretations of the Bible come together? Hmm, good question. Let me give a small example. Consider myself, an aforementioned five pointer, and a Pentecostal. Though I'm not sure it sincerely happens today, I do not believe that people should speak in tongues in church without an interpreter. I believe it goes against what the Bible preaches. On the other hand, speaking in tongues is part of the Pentecostal church, even without an interpreter, and many believe that is ok and should be done. Now, let's be honest with ourselves, most of us would rather not partake in things that we personally believe are not Biblical. Using some hyperbole, I would walk right out of a church if I found out they supported throwing babies into fire. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Pentecostals aren't Christian, I don't think they are inferior Christians in anyway. Some of my best friends and best Christians I saw in high school were Pentecostal. On a day-by-day basis people in my school from all sorts of denominations got on perfectly well, pushing each other in the faith, strengthening each other. But, in matters of church structure is where I have found individual beliefs to butt heads. I would find it hard for a church to function well if all of its members had greatly varying beliefs causing arguments over everything. And denominations allow us to have unified churches whose goals are focused on God, not on quelling factions within the church.
Now let's look at an easier side of things: worship. I don't think there is anything wrong with praise team music, gospel music, hymns, or just about any form of praise. I don't think there is anything innately wrong with any of them. I think they are all great forms of worship. But let's consider an American sports enthusiast and a New Zealander sports enthusiast - I know, wild metaphor, but I think it will work. When the American goes to a sports bar he wants to watch baseball, football, hockey, maybe basketball. That's what he KNOWS and loves. When the New Zealander goes to a sports bar he wants to watch cricket. That's what he KNOWS and loves. Now let's have the two swap countries and put them in sports bars. What's the first thing both of them will ask? "Uh, can you change the channel?" You see, the American doesn't deny cricket being a legitimate sport, nor does the New Zealander deny baseball and the rest as being sports, but neither enjoys the sports of the country anywhere near as much as the native does. It's not so different in church worship. I know many people who would rather curl up and die a slow death than sing relatively slow, beatless hymns. Myself? I thrive off of them, I can worship God most effectively with my whole heart when I sing hymns. Others worship God at their best when they sing praise music. Others when they sing gospel music. And so on. And most people wouldn't discount the validity of other types of worship as being sweet music to God's ears. But when we praise God, don't we want to give him our best? Don't we want to give him our all when we sing? We all know it can be hard to do that when we're singing songs we're not familiar with, didn't grow up with. Bottom line, certain music evokes sincere praise in our hearts, other types don't. So, what better way to deal with this than to attend a church that plays the music we are accustomed to? Again, denominations allow us to do this - yes, I do realize that there is certainly a greater variety of worship within denominations than differences in theology within denominations, but the main idea still stands.
All this being said, I realize that the reasons used to form denominations can spread out of the church and cause great schisms between Christians - it's a fine line. Do I know the answers? No. Can the use of denominations cause great divisions amongst the universal church? Yes. Can the use of denominations further enhance our walk with God? Yes. Hopefully what I wrote makes sense, there are definitely other things I could've written but for the sake of clarity and the current time I decided best not to. What are your thoughts?
All this to say that I think many of us have reached a point in our lives when we realized that our home church's denomination wasn't the only one. And as we realized this, many of us have asked ourselves: What's the purpose of denominations? Are they Biblical? Well, guess what? I'm not going to give a concrete answer on that. I couldn't say yes or no with one hundred percent certainty. Instead I want to talk about the good I believe can come from denominations.
Before I do, however, I would like to say that it wasn't until I came to college that I started hearing people, whether it be my peers or older wiser people who study theology and the like, voicing their complaints with the idea of denominations. Every time it has boiled down to segregation of the church, turning Christians against Christians, and the like. To be honest, I don't disagree with them. The Christian body should be a whole, running the Race together, not apart. But I have also found that when such people do complain about denominations, they are intending their complaint to be against the idea of denominations as a whole, while in fact they are attacking specific instances and downfalls in denominations. I don't believe that denominations as a whole are innately bad.
So let's look at the theology side of things. Theology is a very deep subject, I believe infinitely deep, just as our Creator is. It is something we ought to be students of for our whole lives, "But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night" Psalm 1:2, "But be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" Romans 12:2. We all ought to be theologians to some degree. But with so many people and with a book as deep and profound as the Bible, there is bound to be many different interpretations of the Bible. Well, what happens when all of these interpretations of the Bible come together? Hmm, good question. Let me give a small example. Consider myself, an aforementioned five pointer, and a Pentecostal. Though I'm not sure it sincerely happens today, I do not believe that people should speak in tongues in church without an interpreter. I believe it goes against what the Bible preaches. On the other hand, speaking in tongues is part of the Pentecostal church, even without an interpreter, and many believe that is ok and should be done. Now, let's be honest with ourselves, most of us would rather not partake in things that we personally believe are not Biblical. Using some hyperbole, I would walk right out of a church if I found out they supported throwing babies into fire. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Pentecostals aren't Christian, I don't think they are inferior Christians in anyway. Some of my best friends and best Christians I saw in high school were Pentecostal. On a day-by-day basis people in my school from all sorts of denominations got on perfectly well, pushing each other in the faith, strengthening each other. But, in matters of church structure is where I have found individual beliefs to butt heads. I would find it hard for a church to function well if all of its members had greatly varying beliefs causing arguments over everything. And denominations allow us to have unified churches whose goals are focused on God, not on quelling factions within the church.
Now let's look at an easier side of things: worship. I don't think there is anything wrong with praise team music, gospel music, hymns, or just about any form of praise. I don't think there is anything innately wrong with any of them. I think they are all great forms of worship. But let's consider an American sports enthusiast and a New Zealander sports enthusiast - I know, wild metaphor, but I think it will work. When the American goes to a sports bar he wants to watch baseball, football, hockey, maybe basketball. That's what he KNOWS and loves. When the New Zealander goes to a sports bar he wants to watch cricket. That's what he KNOWS and loves. Now let's have the two swap countries and put them in sports bars. What's the first thing both of them will ask? "Uh, can you change the channel?" You see, the American doesn't deny cricket being a legitimate sport, nor does the New Zealander deny baseball and the rest as being sports, but neither enjoys the sports of the country anywhere near as much as the native does. It's not so different in church worship. I know many people who would rather curl up and die a slow death than sing relatively slow, beatless hymns. Myself? I thrive off of them, I can worship God most effectively with my whole heart when I sing hymns. Others worship God at their best when they sing praise music. Others when they sing gospel music. And so on. And most people wouldn't discount the validity of other types of worship as being sweet music to God's ears. But when we praise God, don't we want to give him our best? Don't we want to give him our all when we sing? We all know it can be hard to do that when we're singing songs we're not familiar with, didn't grow up with. Bottom line, certain music evokes sincere praise in our hearts, other types don't. So, what better way to deal with this than to attend a church that plays the music we are accustomed to? Again, denominations allow us to do this - yes, I do realize that there is certainly a greater variety of worship within denominations than differences in theology within denominations, but the main idea still stands.
All this being said, I realize that the reasons used to form denominations can spread out of the church and cause great schisms between Christians - it's a fine line. Do I know the answers? No. Can the use of denominations cause great divisions amongst the universal church? Yes. Can the use of denominations further enhance our walk with God? Yes. Hopefully what I wrote makes sense, there are definitely other things I could've written but for the sake of clarity and the current time I decided best not to. What are your thoughts?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
panera girl
As some people already know I've got a huge crush on a girl that works at the Panera in Oakland. So much so that I've labeled her as my 'dream girl'. I know nothing about her. Not even her name. I only know what she looks like. It's not like she's some uber babe that could be on a Victoria's Secret fashion show, not that she isn't attractive (she is) but because she's really short. But my mind has a mind of its own, and whenever I see a moderately attractive girl my mind subconsciously comes up with a whole list of presuppositions about her entire life, personality, and beliefs in an instant all on its own and after about half a second from looking at a girl I have an idea, though most definitely entirely wrong, about whether or not she would be a good girlfriend for me. Nineteen times out of twenty it's a downright no, with the occasional yes on the twentieth. Well, panera girl made it well beyond just a 'yes, she might be a good girlfriend for me'. It just so happened that the character my mind seemingly randomly drew up for this panera girl fits exactly with everything I want in a girl, and hence my dream girl. Will I ever talk to her? Find out anything about her? Probably not, though I certainly want to - I mean it's once in a blue moon that my mind creates the 'perfect' girlfriend. So I want to know, is this just me or do other people (guys and girls) subconsciously do the same thing whether they want to or not?
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